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Thursday, January 22, 2015

Yes! It was Depression




I faked happiness. I faked it every day and every moment, in front of everyone and anyone I met, and much in front of the mirror. This went on for too long only to get tagged as bravo, Ms. Smiley etc. by onlookers. When I was in high school, I remember my Morals teacher tell me that I shouldn't be upset over petty things and that I am a prominent figure. Perhaps I tried to apply the same logic here… trying to be an example. No one knew what was brewing deep in me. It was a struggle within and I was an absolute different person when surrounded by colleagues and friends. It only meant pretending to emerge from a crisis that led to a real crunch. Be it my office or at home, life was same, mournful.

I am writing this because now I got over it and moreover, I cannot share a crunch when the phase is on. Trust and hurt factor counts. Sharing might have meant begging for sympathy, which is the least I ask for and couldn’t have left worried anyone who really cares. Else, no one cares, no one wants to listen sad stuff, and we got to help ourselves. I alone, am responsible for my own happiness. This doesn't mean that I am surrounded by selfish friends and relatives, although there are a few of them around. It’s just that they have a life and family.

It started a couple of months back when I returned from work and walked into the empty house, the silent rooms and the vacuum within was a killer. New city, no friends, busy relatives, left all alone during festivals and more... so the problem was entirely mine. Fortunately for me, I realized on time that I had almost entered devil’s space, and thereon I decided to pull myself off this and do something good and beautiful for myself… live for myself.

First step was to accept truth and stop pretending that I was happy. Yes! I was into depression or in the verge of depression, although there’s not much of a difference. It’s always wise to consult a psychiatrist and I for no reason did that. I knew and understood what led me to this and it’s not easy to let go however, I clutched on to my strengths only. Attracting positive energy by being surrounded by positive people is important and if not, at least get rid of negativity, which well includes people who have a similar version in their lives but, survives with sympathy. And then, to ask myself what makes me happy and doing right that.

Recently, I spoke to two different people going through depression. One of them accepted sympathy from his friends who thought they helped him through the situation with alcohol. Irony is, now he is more depressed when drunk. A colleague engaged herself with music and painting and says it’s making a difference and she feels better now. And again, read quite a bit about our own Bollywood celebrities going through depression.

My idea is to keep myself busy by indulging in activities close to my heart. Initially I thought of trying something new however, I did what I like doing best and am passionate about. Double benefit of health and happiness – it’s swimming for me J